Transforming Sea Animal Robot – Bloodthirsty war Dolphin
Dolphins – for centuries these majestic and beloved creatures have returned us home when lost at sea, playfully entertained our children and shared in our miraculous gift of heightened intelligence but In our folly and hubris we have blindly accepted them as allies. Recent intelligence gathering, conducted by yours truly, has uncovered a sinister plot that reveals them for the menacing threat they truly are. It is without hyperbole or exaggeration that I warn you all – Dolphins are our greatest enemy and will be our undoing if we do not act quickly and without mercy. Need proof? Oh, you fools! You are all so incredibly doomed, but if it is proof you need then it is proof I have. Prepare yourself, once you see what I have seen, the world you thought you knew will be gone forever.
I was out for a walk a few days ago when I came upon a small scruffy dog sitting on the front lawn of his home with what appeared to be, based on look and smell, a large piece of his own feces in his mouth. I’m not sure what it was about this image that spoke to me, but it immediately reminded me that I haven’t updated my website in a while now, and so off I went to the dollar store in search of the next treasure to bring to you all. Little did I know that this action would soon usher in this new age of perpetual dolphin-themed nightmares.
Come for the Dolphin, Stay for the War.
Transforming Sea Animal Robot – Bloodthirsty war Dolphin – Less than meets the eye!
While others may have walked by this toy without thinking twice about it, I stopped dead in my tracks. This was more than a simple toy – clearly this was a leaked prototype of the dolphin’s latest weapon in their plot to dethrone humanity. As we now peer through the looking glass, it becomes clear the dolphins have somehow managed to fuse cybernetic technology to their blubbery bodies in order to create a dolphin – robot hybrid capable of transforming itself between war machine and seemingly innocent-looking mammal. Fortunately for us the dolphins made the mistake of prematurely revealing this prototype and so it us up to us to respond, obviously with violence, as fast as we can while we have the advantage.
This ‘ain’t your parents ‘Flipper’.
Revenge of the Dolphins
Officially labeled as a ‘Transforming Sea Animal Robot – Bloodthirsty War Dolphin’ or TSARBWD for short, this product is clearly aimed at those that love both cutesy sea animals and bloodthirsty transforming robots of war, or to put it more simply – as it states on the packaging, for ages 3 and up. While this toy is obviously a knock-off built in hopes of capitalizing on the resurgence of Transformers in recent years, it stands out from the pack of other knock off dreck due to the mere concept of the toy – an evil war dolphin. When one hears the words ‘transforming’, ‘robot’, ‘bloodthirsty’ and ‘war’, it is safely assumed most people do not have the word ‘dolphin’ leap to mind. The word ‘Republican’ may come to mind, but not ‘dolphin’. All that is about to change – one look at its cold dead eyes and it will convince you that it is the incarnation of bloodthirsty misery, pain, hate and fear.
It sees everything, the past and the present but not the future. Ok so maybe that is not that impressive, but after seeing these eyes, we all know there is no future for us anyway.
For those that follow the knock-off toy market, and may the gods have mercy on your soul if you do, you may have noticed that the robot head is actually a standard design that has been used on a few other robot monstrosities. Even the knock-offs are knocking off other knock-offs. Have you ever seen a bunch of rats with their tails all caught together and so they form a large ball of pissed off, squeaking vermin? Yea… it kind of reminds me of that… Then again, considering this is only a prototype of a secret weapon devised by dolphin separatist rebels, I can forgive them for cutting corners. At least they took the time to equip him with a sword, because why wouldn’t a sentient bloodthirsty war transforming dolphin-cyborg hybrid from beyond the moon come with a sword? It’s so obvious I’m embarrassed to even need to bring it up.
I presume he got his head by cutting off the head of another robot with his mighty sword of doom.
While the build quality of the toy is far from perfect, it is surprisingly not that bad. Unlike the Thomas the tank engine transforming toy I reviewed a while back that was made of a rubbery plastic that could break at any second due to the overly tight joints, the war dolphin is a solid plastic build and all joints move with little effort. While not overly tight, it is not so loose that it cannot maintain its shape in the dolphin mode. In contrast to many other robots that when transformed in their vehicle/beast mode still reveal that they are robots when you turn them upside down and see their head and chest, the war dolphin looks like what it is supposed to be and reveals no sign that it is a robot. This is the greatest strength of the war dolphin – it is truly a covert product that can fool even the best marine biologists, who I presume turn sea life upside down to look for robot parts often in their line of work.
Insert small penis joke here.
I hate to admit it but the product is hot that bad, despite the silliness of a transforming dolphin, it is not only built well, but it is painted well to boot – no globs of mis-painted mess and no extra plastic from improper separation of the plastic from the moulding. Mind you it is not perfect, but compared to other knock-offs I’ve seen, it’s amazing. On top of it, the doom dolphin transforms in an interesting way – the arms fold up on top of themselves to create its back, and by doing so have more points of articulation than even some official transformer toys. The tail flips behind the body to reveal the legs and additionally provide a way to balance the figure in robot more so it remains upright if you were to place this on display in your home as a reminder of the suffering that is to come. The dolphins did a damn find job in making this unholy abomination and I applaud them for it, but let’s never lose sight of their true intentions – this is by no means designed for pleasure, it is to bring to us only pain, fear and destruction.
… but will look super cute doing it…
Dolphins faked the moon landing!
This would not be the first time the dolphins have threatened our way of life: From what I understand, In the early 80s a small band of kamikaze Dolphins swallowed lethal amounts of mercury and intentionally swam into our tuna fishing nets, knowing that we and our children would be consuming it. Since then we have seen with our own eyes, a myriad of emotional and behavioural problems in our children, as the dolphin’s vindictive plot comes to fruition, destroying our children, and thus destroying our future. I vaguely remember Jenny McCarthy talking about this, but she was unfortunately silenced by the illuminati, who have been under dolphin control since the late 50s. Clearly the dolphins have influenced the minds of our most powerful with technology they stole from Area 51, and while early experiments have shown that aluminum foil helmets can disrupt some of these mind-controlling signals, the exact amount of foil required remains unknown. Of course the Japanese have known about the treacherous Dolphins for decades now but every time they strike back and hunt at these demonic sea-monsters, some hippie group under the direction of Anita Sarkeesian threatens them. This of course only led to more tragedy…
Can you prove this wasn’t what happened? Only burning blubber can produce enough heat to melt steel beams of that calibre.
I bring you this information at great risk to myself and in essence, to all of humanity, for if the Dolphins found out that we have seen their new transforming war machine they would be sure to strike before we could prepare ourselves. You have been warned. Prepare yourself and trust nothing from the sea.
While many of us have nostalgia for the robot toys of the 80s, such as Transformers and Go-Bots, many of us forget that in the original ’84 toy line of Transformers both Ironhide and Ratchet didn’t have heads… seriously. We also had the Rock Lords, which transformed into rocks, because companies presume that kids are stupid. On top of it, those toys cost a lot more than the $3.00 I paid for this so is a transforming war dolphin really all that much more insane an idea? The answer of course is ‘yes’.