Kitsch Cat

 

The most epic cat shirt in the history of the universe.

 

Look at this. There are no words to describe what stands before us. Of course, be it that I am paid per word, I will do my best to describe it anyway. If one only takes a quick glance at the shirt, they may only notice an adorable orange and white cat and say ‘so what? It’s a shirt with a picture of a cat on it, my least favourite aunt with a lazy eye has a shirt with a cat on it too, big deal’. However upon closer inspection we are shown of glimpse of what happens when one falls off the edge of madness, has a religious experience and also happens to own a t-shirt company.

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In space no one can hear you meow.

© aliexpress.com

 

Before us stands a world, much the same as our own, if not our own, in a mysterious gaseous cloud from an unknown dimension. Above it looms a feline spewing forth a stream of liquid, which I see as milk, but others I have shown this to believe it to be water. I’ve seen enough original Star Trek to know that it is never a good thing when one encounters a giant disembodied head hovering menacingly above a planet in space, regardless of what it is vomiting. Albeit this is the cutest rendition of that scenario I have seen.

Why would a cat shirt like this even exist?

But what does this all mean? Assuming this is indeed our world, is this feline bringing forth water and therefore life to our world? Is this the true face of our creator – the genesis of everything? Is it through the blessed kindness of this pussycat that we came into existence, and if so, does this kitten hold the answers to our questions and search for meaning? Of course if this is the face of God then how come we still have mice in the world? Perhaps this is the image of something much more sinister – A cat overlord displeased with humanity, probably because of something someone said on Twitter, and has ripped through space time into our dimension to usher in our new age of agony, fear, death and non-homogenized milk.

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 Pictured; Hell

 

A sign from God?

So is this shirt the result of a t-shirt CEO in the midst of a horrific fugue state or is it a blessed heirloom from a time long ago like the Shroud of Turin is proclaimed to be? I know for a fact that my copy of the shirt is holy… literally… there was already a hole in it when I opened up the package. We may never know how this shirt sprung into being as it offers nothing but questions that our stoic cat-lord refuses to answer.

Be it that I have essentially called God a pussy, maybe we should set apart some time for a quick prayer:

 

Our Kitteh, who pees in litter,

Sharp be thy claws,

Thy vomit wet,

Fur will be shed

On couch as it is on pants.

Give us today without a hiss

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we step on your tail in error.

And bring us not a dead bird

Please bury the damn thing,

For thine is annoying,

Loud and pissy,

But we love you regardless,

Amen.

 

 

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In keeping with tradition, the Cat-Lord also sent his son to Earth, although this time the purpose was to pee on my outdoor furniture apparently

Who in their right mind would wear this thing?

Regardless of the philosophical nature of this abomination, any cat owner or blind homeless person would love this shirt. Give one as a gift as well as keep a second one for yourself as a constant reminder of the unavoidable day of reckoning. It makes the perfect shirt for job interviews, family funerals or the ever-important first date. Imagine how aroused your date will be as he or she witnesses that cutie little kitteh vomit it’s wrath all over our realm – make sure you stop by the drug store beforehand. If that doesn’t get their motor running then do yourself a favour and move on. They are probably a dog-person anyway and nobody needs the drama of inter-faith relationships.

 

The shirt is also great for those busy types on the go who don’t have the time to care if their shirt is even on backwards, as the ‘recto’ side of the shirt duplicates the image from the ‘verso’ side. Like the mythical double mullet – this shirt is party in the front AND party in the back with no time for business. Never again suffer the embarrassment as you realize mid-way through the day that your shirt was on backwards all this time. The sorrow it brings as you realize just how infantile you appear to others, the shame it brings on your friends and family for merely knowing you and the ultimate realization that you have failed as a human being.

More Crazy cat shirts…

But what about those of us that adore cats but are less than enthralled with the idea of the image of a vomiting interplanetary cat lord on our shirt? Is there something for us? Well luckily, we live in a world where any disturbed, idiotic, random perverse product can be willed into existence from our nightmare realm through the magic of capitalism:

 

 

 

 

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Oh well, whatever, never mind

 

Of course I would not be doing my job as a reviewer (yes, I consider this random diatribe about a cat shirt a review) if I did not mention that if you are to buy one of these shirts, the sizes are generally smaller than indicated; for instance an XL shirt corresponds to a Large in Canadian/American standards, either that or I am gaining weight lately. Additionally you should stay away from this shirt if you suffer any allergies to polyester, cats, or care about your appearance what so ever.

Final thoughts

Verdict: Really interesting imagery, but I cannot say I would wear it in public. If this is your style, then it really is a unique shirt and worth having in your collection.

 What do you think? Would you wear a shirt like this? Please leave your comments, like and share this review with someone you know and don’t really care if they never speak to you again afterwards. Together we can ensure that the word of the nerd is heard!

 

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